I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
