Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
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