Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
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