I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Randomize
