i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Randomize
