I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Randomize
