hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Come on in and take your pants off
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