This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Randomize
