just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
