The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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