The maid of honor just puked.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Randomize
