I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
