Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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