so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
