The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
