Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize
