Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
