mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
