Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
this is an emotional support booty call
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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