i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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