i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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