He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
