Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
