Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Randomize
