You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
