I met the friendliest cop last night
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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