shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
