I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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