I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I got inside last night via doggy door
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
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