Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
The beer is more important than you right now.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
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Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
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