okay pat passed out under dana's car
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
