some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
