No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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