i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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