i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
God I need to hump something, right now.
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