new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
