I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
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