I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
