I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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