Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
i drank out of a bidet.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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