When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
