they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
These 23 People Prove You Don’t Have To Be A 10 To Be Good In Bed
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
21 People That Had The Worst Birthdays Imaginable
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé