Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I skipped work to stalk him.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Randomize
