So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
