College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
