I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
