I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
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