I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
There's always time for handjobs
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
