So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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