Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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