Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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