I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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