he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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