Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
