remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Randomize
