I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
