it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
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